Some know. Some don’t. I share with some and hide from others. But for the next 30 days I won’t be able to hide too much. Back in my younger years I made some poor judgement calls and subsequently got a DUI when I was 23 years old. Not my proudest moment but never the less a life lesson.
Now earlier this year, in the accident that I lost my husband in, my past bad decisions are compounding this trauma. I was involved in the accident. I wasn’t moving. I was trying to stop everyone from riding. However, since I had any amount of alcohol in my system the law had to give me a second DUI for this. All of the court is done. Yesterday I had to get an GPS monitoring ankle bracelet put on me. The most humiliating, heart-wrenching experience. I will be on house arrest for the next 30 days.
The moment this was put on me I realized a lot about how I have been cooping through this life altering event. I have been running away from thinking about the actual accident, the horrific images that are burned into my head. I have been completely doing any and everything to get them out of my head. So in the spirit of finding the positive, I know that every second I have this monitoring system on me I will be constantly thinking and coming to grips even more so with this tragedy and hopefully come out a stronger person for it.
Why? What's the point in doing whatever everyone wants or thinks is the right thing? There is none. Is it something that is going to make you happy? Then HELL YES do it! But don't do it because society tells you to. Ha! I laugh in the face of society. So my new motto lately has been:
I do not conform
I say it rather often…."Mandy you should do this…don't do that….what the hell are you even doing?" I don't have the slightest clue…I just know I'm not gonna conform! He he
Needless to say I was out of work for two months since the accident. I took a leave. Was on disability. Not because I was physically disabled but emotionally damaged. Not working was much needed for a while. But then after some time. I wanted needed to go back to working. Having a free open schedule seems nice. But it drove me freakin bonkers. Like pull my hair out bonkers. I truly felt like an unproductive person in society. I. Have. To. Work. Well I went back. Not because I am any less emotionally unstable. In fact in some ways I am probably more unstable. But you know what? I'm soooo freakin happy I did. Being useful to something has really helped me. Being able to feel like I am working towards a goal is grrrrrreat! However if I could go back to not having to set my alarm and just waking up when I naturally do and then heading on into work…I so would. Alarms suck.
The name I choose for this blog could not have been more accurate at this time in my life.
I was planning my wedding and planning our future with the man of my dreams..my true love. Then life happened…tragedy happened…and God took him out of this world. 17 days before our wedding date. Its been a little over three months since my Colin has passed. My life crisis has never felt more real.
I’ve been struggling on how I was going to get back on here and write but I am here and I am doing it. Writing my way through a real life crisis.
First off excuse the profanity in the picture. HOWEVER this picture hits home with me. And to be honest something I may have accidentally done. Actually more like multiple time. I get the load in the wash and start it….and then…I’m done. Or I like to think that I am. I have received so many text the next day stating there is some type of clothing not dry for him because I didn’t put it in the dryer: underwear, pants, jacket, and shirts.
Granted for my right to be right (I always am) I have sign in the laundry room stating “If you want you laundry done in a timely fashion…DO IT YOURSELF.” HeHe So my response to these texts are: “Please refer to sign hanging to the right of the dryer. You are welcome for getting the load started.” (Ladies…little tip/trick: put a sign up..they can’t fault you…they’ve been warned!)
And the sexting part? Do they mean “married flirty text” cause I am pretty sure I am still part of the generation prior to sexting. Flirty text = ok…”sexting”= awkward. But maybe I just don’t understand the difference between flirting and sexting. They sound completely different to me and I won’t get into details why.
So if you are like me you are scrolling through facebook and there is all of the sudden all these people on your news feed that you have NO recollection of their name. And then it dawns on you…”Oh ya they got married!” Now these are more aquaintances than real close friends, you know the ones you were actually at the wedding. But the the people you went to school with or you met that one night at the bar and instantly became best friends; it’s those ones that I am like who the heck is this. And this happens almost on the daily basis. I have to go to their profile and really look at their profile picture to regain my memory. Most of the time I click on their picture and it is a wedding picture and I realize oh ya I remember now. However! I am then trying to rack my brain of their maiden name!!! And just because I can’t think of it immediately it bugs me and it is on my mind for quite some time! So because of this I have decided once I change my name I will be doing the parentheses just so I don’t confuse the poor folk that see me on their news feed.
Like now. Right now. They can see what you want to say.
I pretty much get told this on a daily basis by those who have my back and are looking out for me. And as soon as they tell me I immediately think…well I thought I was being nice. Guess my face said otherwise. It just happens, I can’t help it. You say something that irritates me or is just stupid my face will react, and I have no control over it. My eyebrows kind of scrunch, my eyes squint, and my mouth slightly opens. All expressing, “Did you really just do that?” Or “Did that really just come out of your mouth?”
Luckily my coworkers are just like me. We get each other and help each other. Thank you friends. I appreciate it 👍🏼