Some know. Some don’t. I share with some and hide from others. But for the next 30 days I won’t be able to hide too much. Back in my younger years I made some poor judgement calls and subsequently got a DUI when I was 23 years old. Not my proudest moment but never the less a life lesson.
Now earlier this year, in the accident that I lost my husband in, my past bad decisions are compounding this trauma. I was involved in the accident. I wasn’t moving. I was trying to stop everyone from riding. However, since I had any amount of alcohol in my system the law had to give me a second DUI for this. All of the court is done. Yesterday I had to get an GPS monitoring ankle bracelet put on me. The most humiliating, heart-wrenching experience. I will be on house arrest for the next 30 days.
The moment this was put on me I realized a lot about how I have been cooping through this life altering event. I have been running away from thinking about the actual accident, the horrific images that are burned into my head. I have been completely doing any and everything to get them out of my head. So in the spirit of finding the positive, I know that every second I have this monitoring system on me I will be constantly thinking and coming to grips even more so with this tragedy and hopefully come out a stronger person for it.
Needless to say I was out of work for two months since the accident. I took a leave. Was on disability. Not because I was physically disabled but emotionally damaged. Not working was much needed for a while. But then after some time. I wanted needed to go back to working. Having a free open schedule seems nice. But it drove me freakin bonkers. Like pull my hair out bonkers. I truly felt like an unproductive person in society. I. Have. To. Work. Well I went back. Not because I am any less emotionally unstable. In fact in some ways I am probably more unstable. But you know what? I'm soooo freakin happy I did. Being useful to something has really helped me. Being able to feel like I am working towards a goal is grrrrrreat! However if I could go back to not having to set my alarm and just waking up when I naturally do and then heading on into work…I so would. Alarms suck.
I know I have been MIA for over a month…it was a crazy month. So many changes right before the new year. So I a, definitely starting 2017 completely different then how I left 2016. That’s good right? Change is good…I keep telling myself. But god damn change is hard. December 2016 started with me deciding to interview for a different position in the county than where I was at. Higher pay and closer to home…and less emotional stress than where I was at. So I wanted it. I ended up getting it. So stoked. But starting a new position with out that work family that got me through each and everyday is….HARD. I feel like a piece of me is missing not having my girls by my side on a daily basis…but I’m doing it…💁🏼
The other huge change for me this December is that is was THE first Christmas that I did not spend with my family. My grandma dad and sister came up Christmas Day…which was awesome…but also not the norm. And let me tell you it was weird!!!!
So I apologize I’ve been missing…but with 2017 starting I’m starting fresh!
Like a stuffed animal? Or cow print something? As a pet?
These are all very legitimate responses when asked this question. Especially if you have always grew up in the city. Well now that I live in the country this was a question I was asked. And let me tell you when I was asked this the expression of confusion on my face was far more humorous than it was intended to be. It was then explained to me that the ranches here where I live sell the whole cow after being slaughtered. Now it is a great deal financially wise. It’s like the ultimate Costco deal (no Costco up here either). Nevertheless that question took me off guard. You truely realize you are no longer a city girl and now live in a small town when that is an option for you.
So Christmas is right around the corner. I mean like right there as soon as you turn the corner!!! By this time every year as a child I had magazines on top of magazines with circles outlining everything I wanted. And because I was such a fortunate child I got pretty much everything I ever wanted. It also helped that I was THE only child for about 8 years in my whole family. Tehe
However now when I get asked, “what do you want for Christmas?” – “Well….financial stability…new career…to eat whatever I want and not get fat…oh and a nap!” That’s all I want these days. Biggest one is the nap. If I could just a bunch of those all time, life would be grand!
Like now. Right now. They can see what you want to say.
I pretty much get told this on a daily basis by those who have my back and are looking out for me. And as soon as they tell me I immediately think…well I thought I was being nice. Guess my face said otherwise. It just happens, I can’t help it. You say something that irritates me or is just stupid my face will react, and I have no control over it. My eyebrows kind of scrunch, my eyes squint, and my mouth slightly opens. All expressing, “Did you really just do that?” Or “Did that really just come out of your mouth?”
Luckily my coworkers are just like me. We get each other and help each other. Thank you friends. I appreciate it 👍🏼
Well it has officially started. This cold weather crap. The heater came on today and I am not sure how I feel about it! I like hot. Not freezing my butt off! But the warm coziness of our house is very nice. And this means that all those fun holidays are coming up. Which this will be the first year I get to host family for both Thanksgiving and Christmas! Can you say…..ADULT! Cause that’s what the means. When you start having your family over for those big holidays you are adulting like no other. But it also gives me an excuse to decorate and be all cute for everything! I need to start acquiring Christmas Tree ornaments!
Last year we had snow at our house! SNOW! Yes I was that typical tourist taking pictures of the snow. Typical SoCal girl right here. I’m used to 75 degree weather in winter. Ha ha.