Some know. Some don’t. I share with some and hide from others. But for the next 30 days I won’t be able to hide too much. Back in my younger years I made some poor judgement calls and subsequently got a DUI when I was 23 years old. Not my proudest moment but never the less a life lesson.
Now earlier this year, in the accident that I lost my husband in, my past bad decisions are compounding this trauma. I was involved in the accident. I wasn’t moving. I was trying to stop everyone from riding. However, since I had any amount of alcohol in my system the law had to give me a second DUI for this. All of the court is done. Yesterday I had to get an GPS monitoring ankle bracelet put on me. The most humiliating, heart-wrenching experience. I will be on house arrest for the next 30 days.
The moment this was put on me I realized a lot about how I have been cooping through this life altering event. I have been running away from thinking about the actual accident, the horrific images that are burned into my head. I have been completely doing any and everything to get them out of my head. So in the spirit of finding the positive, I know that every second I have this monitoring system on me I will be constantly thinking and coming to grips even more so with this tragedy and hopefully come out a stronger person for it.
Why? What's the point in doing whatever everyone wants or thinks is the right thing? There is none. Is it something that is going to make you happy? Then HELL YES do it! But don't do it because society tells you to. Ha! I laugh in the face of society. So my new motto lately has been:
I do not conform
I say it rather often…."Mandy you should do this…don't do that….what the hell are you even doing?" I don't have the slightest clue…I just know I'm not gonna conform! He he
Needless to say I was out of work for two months since the accident. I took a leave. Was on disability. Not because I was physically disabled but emotionally damaged. Not working was much needed for a while. But then after some time. I wanted needed to go back to working. Having a free open schedule seems nice. But it drove me freakin bonkers. Like pull my hair out bonkers. I truly felt like an unproductive person in society. I. Have. To. Work. Well I went back. Not because I am any less emotionally unstable. In fact in some ways I am probably more unstable. But you know what? I'm soooo freakin happy I did. Being useful to something has really helped me. Being able to feel like I am working towards a goal is grrrrrreat! However if I could go back to not having to set my alarm and just waking up when I naturally do and then heading on into work…I so would. Alarms suck.
The name I choose for this blog could not have been more accurate at this time in my life.
I was planning my wedding and planning our future with the man of my dreams..my true love. Then life happened…tragedy happened…and God took him out of this world. 17 days before our wedding date. Its been a little over three months since my Colin has passed. My life crisis has never felt more real.
I’ve been struggling on how I was going to get back on here and write but I am here and I am doing it. Writing my way through a real life crisis.
go together as well as my bills and my bank balance. (They don’t!)
Your glasses get drops all over them…god forbid it’s cold and they start to fog up. #NerdProblems And then as you are trying to get to your car you have to take you finger to wipe the drops off your glasses in a windshield wiper motion. Which doesn’t look funny at all. Yes it does, it looks incredibly funny.
There isn’t much you can do to prevent this in the rain the only thing you can do is get contacts and be ok with touching your eye. Or don’t wear your glasses and be blind. But that might be worse…tripping, falling, making a scene.
ok you’ve been warned. As I mentioned yesterday I just recently switched positions…I went from a Health and Human Services job to a position in the auditors office. Full outside world contact to none. Which isn’t too bad. But what I really learned was how blessed I was to have the women by my side that I did. How close we truely are and how much I’m having withdrawals for not seeing them everyday! But the even better thing is knowing that these are strong bonds that will carry on even though I don’t get to see them everyday.
I know I have been MIA for over a month…it was a crazy month. So many changes right before the new year. So I a, definitely starting 2017 completely different then how I left 2016. That’s good right? Change is good…I keep telling myself. But god damn change is hard. December 2016 started with me deciding to interview for a different position in the county than where I was at. Higher pay and closer to home…and less emotional stress than where I was at. So I wanted it. I ended up getting it. So stoked. But starting a new position with out that work family that got me through each and everyday is….HARD. I feel like a piece of me is missing not having my girls by my side on a daily basis…but I’m doing it…💁🏼
The other huge change for me this December is that is was THE first Christmas that I did not spend with my family. My grandma dad and sister came up Christmas Day…which was awesome…but also not the norm. And let me tell you it was weird!!!!
So I apologize I’ve been missing…but with 2017 starting I’m starting fresh!